Peter's Mood on 4/21

Peter was happy today, because, I think, he's really been enjoying the weather, but he was also very calculating. It was apparent to me while he was outlining exercises at the barre, and while he was marking stuff during the floor work, that he knew EXACTLY which steps we would fuck up. I could actually feel it when he was demonstrating the movements -- it was almost as if this bubble appeared next to his face that said, "I bet you're not going to do this right," and he was sort of mentally rubbing his hands together, and planning on which face he was going to make and what disparaging remark he would put forth when, inevitably, we failed at the precise moment that he planned.

I might be imagining it, because I very much want to believe that he's paying more attention to me now that I've progressed to a not-totally-hopeless level in his advanced beginner class, but I detected a slight craning of the neck, an almost imperceptible furrowing of the eyebrows, as he passed by me at the barre, judging my desperate struggling. It's a lot of pressure I put on myself, I tell you, when he walks by. I always make little (and sometimes big) mistakes when I know he's watching.

Hopefully I can get over this self-consciousness and ignore him. I don't care what he thinks. I don't care......