Benedict's Visit

OK, I'm back. I figure, if the Pope can take the time and energy to visit us at this difficult stage, I can start posting again. I don't have the same protection as he does, but what the hell, right?

I've been devouring the NYT articles this morning regarding yesterday's celebrations. It's brilliant, all of it. I'm a nonpracticing Catholic, but I savor the coverage about any and all papal events -- the celebrity, the commerce, the endless deconstructing of every single word that comes out of Ratzinger's mouth...I love that shit.

If there is one thing a good Catholic, practicing or non, loves, it is ceremony. And rules. And when the Pope comes, it is a fantastic opportunity to focus on both of these. His visit has not disappointed.

There are plenty of things to comment on -- the hopeful parents lining up their autistic children to meet him in Yonkers, the badly-timed raids of Pilgrim's Pride chicken-processing plants in five states by immigration officials, the effects of never-ending sexual-abuse lawsuits (the financial tallies are bad enough, not to mention the non-financial ones) on disappearing congregations across the country. When you think about it, all this supposedly-Catholic stuff is a commentary on what is going on with the American public in general. Hopefully Hillary and Barack are listening carefully.

The part I love best is the ever-present hand-wringing about Pentecostals. For those of you who haven't heard, Catholicism is dying. It's a long, coughing-and-wheezing, unpretty kind of death (kinda like John Paul's), but it is happening, due to the religion's decreasing relevance to everyday people (although the litigation-tarried coffers are a significant second to be blamed, I'm sure).

Even to me, a liberal, anti-religion person (I call myself a Catholic, but that's more of an ethnic identity than anything else), uptight Catholics are preferable to those icky Pentecostals. They are crazy, untouchable, and scary. Have you seen their antics? What, with their live pop-rock gospel bands and their personal relationships with Christ. Jesus! They're just insane and should be shot.

Catholicism is going out of style for North and South Americans now much like the royals were for New World-ers back in the seventeenth century -- its leaders have lost touch with how to emotionally and economically feed their followers, and be relevant to an ever-changing population that is geo- and demo-graphically diverse.

If Pope Benedict XVI were to ask me for advice, I'd turn to him, smile widely, and say, "Fuck the Pentecostals! Sure, they're pilfering the majority of new recruits to your dwindling flock, but that's OK, really. Catholicism has had a grand run at it, don't you think? Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to mimick what those swine are doing! It's just WRONG!"

In "A Populist Shift Confronts the U.S. Catholic Church" in today's Times, Fernanda Santos wrote, "Today, [the Pentecostal Church] has more followers in the United States than any other denomination...they are drawn...by the faith's joyous worship, its use of Latino culture and the enveloping sense of community it offers to newcomers...half of all Latinos who have joined Pentecostal denominations were raised as Catholics."

I don't claim to speak for U.S. Latinos, but I must declare, as a "U.S. Latino", that there is no fucking way I would ever join those bizarre freaks for all the money in the world, or even for a seat at the right hand of God, or whatever. I love Catholicism. I don't practice it, but most Catholics don't, anyway.

What is there to love about Catholicism? The clarity, for one. There are RULES that Catholics have to follow. Among them are:

1. Don't have sex.
2. When you do have sex, be it with someone who isn't your spouse, or someone of your own gender, or whatever, just make sure you keep it quiet. Don't let anyone know. If anyone finds out, pay them off handsomely and make sure they are happy and don't go shouting about it to the authorities.
3. Go to Mass and dress nicely and behave.

It's pretty easy. It's maybe not so easy for the younger folk who get abused, but they get on with their lives and learn to live with it, right? Enough with all the whining already.

The Pentecostals are disgusting. They want to talk about everything, they think they have the authority to speak directly to God, they wear the wrong things, and they are just pathetic. Fuck them! The Pentecostals are nothing. They haven't wooed kings, swayed dynasties, or killed millions of people, but claim they are important because they created bad rock bands and have instituted ministries on the Web. I could do that, I just don't have the time.

So cheer up, Joseph. There is no hope for Catholicism, but you'll be dead long before any real decisions on the matter need to be made.

In the meantime, do your best to deal with the situation at hand. The immediate problem is, you've gotta start getting Catholics to write checks again. To do that, it probably requires stuff that dogmatic Catholics don't want to do, like sponsoring art exhibitions and the like. All I have to say is, "Swallow the pill, fartheads. You got us into this." Get over yourselves and do what has to be done, for chrissake.

Jesus!